A few weeks back, I visited a friend living near Pac Heights and within 4 hours issued one death threat and received one undeserved $88 parking ticket. (This happened in reverse chronological order.)

Until that point I had never made a big deal about cars blocking my own garage.  My ways of not making a big deal include:

• Laying on the horn until people come out of the house
• Screaming out the car window to move your fucking vehicle
• Gently bumping their car with my car to prove that I need them to move

It’s a little awkward when the car owner is in the car and they’re stoned, getting stoned or passed out drunk.  As a rule it’s best not to enrage your neighbors, so we’ve never called SFDT to ticket someone’s car.

But then, I was ticketed without even tap on the horn and started to reconsider my conciliatory stance towards my own neighbors.

Really, calling SFDT is much easier. No need to actually talk (or shout) at your neighboors, just have some clown in a three-wheeler handle it. Why cause all that racial drama by asking your Mexican neighbor to move while he’s outside enjoying a beer in his flatbed truck? A quick call to 911 will have the cops out in under 45 minutes.

My attitude is based on the belief that neighbors respect each other. I respect you by not calling SFDT, and you respect me by not blocking access to my garage.

But I think, neighbors, that you’re breaking your end of our bargain.  My first step will be chatting with you in my serious voice and then I just might make the leap and try some good old fashioned SF passive aggressive phone calls to 415-553-1200.**

I’m sad it has come down to this.

** My formerly aggressive-aggressive vocal complaints allow me to skip the intermediary note-leaving step.